raoin: (greater things)
i feel so close to tears today. my PMS this cycle has been a bitch. on saturday i swung wildly between anger, sadness, and happiness all day long and it could seriously be within minutes or moments of each emotion.
raoin: (Default)
1st entry for dreamwidth. i'm migrating my livejournal here because reasons having largely to do with the fact that livejournal is russian owned and blocked by my work firewall.

i miss long-form journaling and i basically find it impossible to do without a full keyboard and a large screen. by hand and by phone really do not work for me.
raoin: (sick of congress)
i decided it was finally time to make (almost) all my journal entries "friends only".

if you're feeling like you'd like to be reading this journal and you arent on my friends list, comment to this entry and we'll negotiate.

thank you.

that is all.
raoin: (appetites vs. needs)
taken from Martha Stewart's "Everyday Food" Oct 2010,

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 teaspoons brown mustard seeds
1 medium yellow onion, diced small
1 cup long-grain white rice
coarse salt and ground pepper
1 tablespoon red curry paste
1 cup unsweetened coconut milk (from a 13.5-ounce can)
1 sweet potato (about 3/4 pound), peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces
1 small cauliflower, cut into florets
1 can (15.5 ounces) chickpeas, rinsed and drained
fresh cilantro, for serving

1. In a medium saucepan, heat 1 teaspoon oil over medium-high. Add mustard seeds and half the onion and cook, stirring often, until onion is soft, 3 minutes. Add rice and stir to combine. Add 1 1/2 cups water, season with salt and pepper, and bring to a boil. Cover and reduce to a simmer; cook until water is absorbed and rice is tender, about 15 minutes. Remove from heat and let stand 5 minutes. Fluff with a fork before serving.

2. Meanwhile, in a large Dutch oven or heavy pot, heat 2 teaspoons oil over medium-high. Add remaining onion and cook, stirring often, until soft, 3 minutes. Add curry paste and stir until fragrant, about 1 minute. Stir in coconut milk and 1 cup water and bring to a boil. Add sweet potato and cauliflower and season with salt and pepper. Reduce heat to medium, cover, and simmer until vegetables are tender, 10 to 15 minutes.

3. Stir chickpeas into curry and increase heat to high. Simmer rapidly until liquid reduces slightly, 2 minutes. Serve curry over rice with cilantro.

*I used olive oil instead of vegtable oil
*In cooking the rice i used chicken stock instead of water (because i needed to use my stock)
*Ryam hates sweet potato so i used carrots instead
*I omitted the chickpeas because i was using leftover turkey, the chickpeas offer some nice protein though and i've had other Stewart curries using chickpeas that were awesome.
*So, in the place where it says "add chickpeas" i added the leftover turkey pieces.
*I bought my curry paste at the YDFM, and probably used twice as much as i needed.
*I bought my coconut milk from the YDFM and chose the brand with the highest percentage of coconut in it (81%).
*There's no sense in only using part of a can of coconut milk, i drank the remainder but i think you could just add in the whole 13.5oz can without harming anything.
*At first you're like, 'uggh mustard seeds look like little brown dots in my rice.' but then you'll be, 'yay, tasty mustard seeds make my rice awesome.'
*If you boil through the water in your pan while cooking rice, and your rice is still not done, add about a half cup more water to the pan, cover and resume cooking as normal.
*I omitted the cilantro because i did not have any. i'm sure it adds a wonderful top note to this dish, whatever.

verdict from the adults: awesome, will eat again.
verdict from the baby: rice was good, but was not interested in the curry.
raoin: (Mämmi from Finland)
stolen from out of the July 2011 Better Homes and Gardens
submitted to the magazine by Tory Paterson of Ransomville, NY

8 slices of chopped bacon
1lb of skinless, boneless chicken breast cut into bit sized pieces
1.5 cups chopped sweet red pepper
1 cup chopped sweet onion
1-2 fresh jalapeno peppers, finely chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
6 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
2 large yukon gold potatoes, chopped
2 cups fresh sweet corn kernels
1.5 cups whipping cream
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
2 bay leaves

1) in a 5-6 quart dutch-oven/cook pot, cook bacon until crisp. remove with a slotted spoon; set aside. reserve about 1TBS of dripping in the pan.
2)add chicken to the pan, sprinkle with 1/2 tsp salt, 1tsp black pepper. stir over medium-high heat until chicken is no longer pink; remove with slotted spoon. leave all remaining drippings and juices in the pan.
3)add sweet pepper and onion to the pan. cook and stir until tender. add jalapenos and garlic; cook and stir about 3 minutes.
4)stir in flour and actively stir for 1 minute.
5) add broth and potatoes. bring to boiling, then reduce heat and cook uncovered for 10 minutes or until the potatoes are just tender. stir occasionally.
6)stir in chicken, bacon, corn, cream, cayenne, and bay leaves. simmer, uncovered, 15 minutes; stir occasionally.
7) discard bay leaves.
8) serve. top with jalapeno slices if desired.

makes approx. eight (8) servings.

1)if you dont like bacon or cant eat bacon, you can leave this part out. instead, substitute approx. 2 TBS olive oil, butter, margarine, or cooking oil to use in step two.
2)cut the chicken pieces smaller than you think you'll want them. bite sized on a fork is different than bite sized in a spoon.
3)i used two jalapenos that first time out and i'm still regretting it. it's not that i'm a wimp who cant handle hot food, it's that between the black pepper, the cayenne pepper, and the jalapenos, this dish delivers the goods on the one-two punch of heat. and the leftovers are even spicier the next day. use one jalapeno and you'll end up perfect.
4)if you cant have corn (diveriticulitis, colitis, or other bowel/intestinal issues) you can leave it out completely, but i recommend that you employ some other vegetation to add color and flavor. cauliflower (the yellow kind, or otherwise) would work, put it in at the same time you put in the potatoes so it has a chance to soften.
5) my bay leaves are small and old. so i typically use two to three times as many as recommended.
6) i know at least one person who cant have garlic. it isnt critical to this recipe, but if you MUST leave it out, use approx. 1 TBS fresh minced ginger or galangal in it's place, or you could use 2 tsp powdered ginger, or 2 tsp powered galangal. something to provide that particular bulby-rooty spice note.
7) if you dont have whipping cream, half n' half will do. but instead of using 1.5 cups, use 1.25 cups.
8) i served mine with thick toasted slices of italian loaf. i think bread is a critical component, but i love bread. you could also serve this with cornbread, texas toast, or just toasted slices of wonderbread.
9)says approx. 8 servings. more like 10. serve small and you've got 12.
10) havent tested freezing it. not sure how that would come out. would be willing to try but the leftovers didnt last - too tasty to ignore.
raoin: (epicness)
Created by [livejournal.com profile] wolven, [livejournal.com profile] comorbid, [livejournal.com profile] kyrael, and ryameros@gmail.com in 1999/2000.

tested and improved on over the years by [livejournal.com profile] raoin, [livejournal.com profile] cailement, [livejournal.com profile] photogirl630, [livejournal.com profile] unknownbinaries, and dozens (if not hundreds) of others. including Voltaire.

this is the brew which inspired the Cthul-ade t-shirt.
i dont have any pictures... i never think to use my camera.


*a mixing container bigger than 4 gallons
*a stirring implement you don’t mind staining red forever
*funnel (if needed)
*containers for the final product (if desired)

*1 canister of red cool-ade mix (cherry)
*1 canister of blue cool-ade mix (tropical punch)
*around a dozen packets of raspberry lemonade cool-ade flavor
*1 pound of granulated white sugar

*750ml of smirnoff (or better) raspberry vodka
*1.5l yago fruit sangria
*bottle of catdaddy
*bottle of raspberry lambic
*2L of regular mountain dew
*2L of mountain dew code red
*any remaining containers of cthul-ade from last year (the year before or the year before)

1) pour the 4 liters of mountain dew into your mixing container first. you don’t want to put the dry ingredients in first because they'll end up stuck to the bottom as a sludge.
2) with the soda in the bottom, add in all of the dry ingredients. If you put in all the wet ingredients before doing the dry, you'll end up with a lot of fizz-over.
3) add in the rest of the wet ingredients. i should hasten to add that whatever this stuff touches, it will stain.
4) stir vigorously and ruthlessly with something you don’t mind staining permanently. we use a wooden spoon.
5) decant final mix into portable containers.
6) immediately wash out large primary container or it will be stained that color forever.

1) There is a version of this drink where Jägermeister is added. this is on a to-taste basis, but i find that anything more than 375ml is going to over-power the rest of the mix. this version is called Call of Cthul-ade.

2) The use of catdaddy is a recent addition to the recipe. I find that using a bottle of catdaddy reduces the amount of sugar i need to use. You could leave it out entirely, but it's a very tasty addition. imo.

3) It is tradition to save cthul-ade from each batch to add to the next batch. our current batch is contiguous from 2002.

4) aged cthul-ade is drinkable! that being said, you shouldn’t leave this stuff to 'grow' at room-temperature. we keep ours refrigerated. it goes through stages, too, and i find that it tastes best at the nine-month mark. but that's just me.

5)if you cant find mountain dew code red, you can just use 4liters of regular mountain dew. one year we used a 2-liter of mountain dew Live Wire (the orange flavor).

6) pricing out all these ingredients, we can typically make it for around $7.15/liter (as of 2010).

7) don’t be afraid to change things, switch things, replace things. be flexible. be fearless. have fun!

questions/comments/concerns/praise/snark are welcome.
raoin: (like a jedi)
i didnt have a lot of the ingredients being asked for for either of the recipes i was looking at
thus, something involving parts of both

two carrots - roughly shredded
two shallots - roughly diced
five cloves of garlic - crushed or slivered
roughly 12oz of rice noodles
1lb of chicken - trimmed and cut into one-inch cubes

1/2 cup of chicken broth or water
1/4th tsp brown sugar
1/4th tsp of finely ground pepper

1 large egg white
1/4th tsp salt
1TBS cornstarch

1&1/2 tsp curry powder

cooking oil of choice (i used peanut oil)


1) Mix the egg white, 1/4th tsp of salt, and the cornstarch together thoroughly. Then mix the cubed chicken into this marinade and seal in an airtight container in the refrigerator for 30+minutes.

2) Once chicken has been marinated: in a large wok or sizeable skillet place enough frying oil to coat bottom of the pan to a depth of around 1/8th of an inch. heat until the oil is close to 275 degrees farenheit.

3) Test the heat by placing a piece of chicken in the wok - it should float.

4) Add the chicken cubes, and let cook until they just turn white, be sure to keep the pieces apart, otherwise they'll stick together. Quickly remove the chicken cubes from the wok as soon as they turn white, and pat them down with paper towels to remove excess oil.

5) set aside for later use.

1) Put a large pot of water on to boil. When it boils, place rice noodles in the boiling water, cover and take the pot off the heat. Let the noodles sit in the water for 8-10 minutes, then drain and let sit in a colander until needed.

1) Take 1/2 cup chicken broth and mix with 1/4th tsp brown sugar and 1/4th tsp ground pepper. set aside.

2) In a very large wok or skillet, place 2 TBS of oil and put the heat on medium-high. Add the shallots and the garlic. Cook until fragrant.

3) Add in the shredded carrots. Sprinkle the curry powder over the carrot, shallot, garlic mixture. Stir gently for 2 to 3 minutes, making sure everything is well coated in curry.

4) add the noodles and the chicken. stir for around 5 minutes.

5) Add the chicken broth/brown sugar/pepper mixture and stir gently for another 5 minutes, adding extra chicken broth or water if you feel the mixture is too dry. let simmer, stirring occasionally, for another 5 minutes.

6) Tasty noodles are now ready to eat.

1) i used only carrots and shallots because that's all i had. adding in a 1/2cup peas or a chopped head of broccili would be tasty too. really any vegetable would make for a good addition.

2) velveting chicken is a messy job. and the chicken cooks REALLY quickly. wear an apron and clothes you dont care about. if i were doing this regularly, i would probably cook a double or triple batch of the chicken and save it to use later.

3) however, velveting chicken is totally worth it. the result is a very tasty, distinct flavor, with a juiciness that you wont get from pan frying, grilling, or baking.

4) The noodle portion of the group comes out less spicy, the chicken comes out very spicy. a pleasant curry kick all the way around. we'll see how it reheats.
raoin: (epicness)
i recently became aware of a blog called:
A Hamburger Today
part of a large conglomerate of blogs called: Serious Eats.
naturally my interest was piqued because i love references to Popeye
and because my husband regularly requests hamburgers as a dinner choice
and i dislike hamburgers as a dinner choice, in general, because they are boring.

so this blog has been interesting to me because it gives me ideas.
for instance: The Ramly Burger.
a Malaysia street-food concotion, it can also be found in fast-food joints
and i suspect that there are likely a few upscale eateries around those parts that also do a rendition.
because, having tried it myself, i can see why it is the favorite burger of an entire country.
[actually i had to check, because i seem to have started with the notion that Malaysia is a region. it turns out that it is a federal constitutional monarchy, and comprised of two regions known as Peninsular Malaysia and Malaysian Borneo.]

it looked good, i was curious, and my man wanted burgers.
so i tried it out. modifying it to make it work with my kitchen and taste issues.

1 LB ground sirloin, lean, seasoned with season salt to taste
6 eggs
2 or 3 tablespoons of milk
some extra grease for the pan
worcestershire sauce
cheese (as you like it)
other kinds of burger set-ups (lettuce, tomatoe, onion, &ct)

1) take the ground beef, gently fold in the seasoning (i kept it simple, but you could use other seasonings)
2) divide the beef into six thin patties. thin is better than thick in this instance.
3) in a pourable container, beat the eggs and the milk together. set aside for now.
4) pan fry your patties on high heat until they are just brown on either side. you want the middles to remain red and bleeding because they will continue to cook as this process goes on. and their flowing juices will make your burger more wonderful later.
5) leave the burger grease/run off in the pan. turn the pan heat down to medium or medium-low.
6) pour roughly a third of the egg mixture into the pan. as if you were making an omlete. you are. a burger omlete.
7) divide that circle of egg mix down the middle into two half circles. in the middle of each half circle place your cheese, if you are using any, and one patty (on top of the cheese)
8) jot a bit of worcestershire sauce onto the top of each patty.
9) gently fold up the edges of each half circle of egg until the patty and cheese are enclosed.
10) allow to cook a bit longer until cheese melts.
11) place inside bun, add condiments and set-ups of choice. consume. be happy.

12) you'll obviously repeat the burger-omlete folding cooking process three times (2 burgers per third of the egg-mix solution).

some words about condiments and set-ups: i think this burger is perfect without them.
however, the traditional ramly burger is usually served with margarine, worcestershire, and maggi seasoning folded into the omlete.
and cheese lettuce and ketchup are added on top.
i felt that putting the cheese in the omlete would encourage cheese-melt, which is what i crave,
and i hate ketchup.
the idea of putting margarine on anything, or even substituting butter in its place seemed like an unncessary addition of drippy fats, so i left it out.
so there, you go, we all have our reasons.
i think adding horseradish, where one might have put margarine, would be a good idea.
but i didnt have any to try it with.

as you might have guessed, unless you have a professional griddle, you can really only make two of these at a time.
this leaves pairs (like myself and husband) able to eat together
but larger groups would have to eat in stages.
i havent had one to eat as a 'leftover' yet, but i suspect that (like all street food) this burger is better fresh and hot rather than reheated or cold.
we'll have to ask [livejournal.com profile] wolven how he felt about his reheated ramly burger.

Wake Up

Mar. 9th, 2011 12:58 pm
raoin: (magic)
You and I wake up in a psychiatric ward together. Using 4 words, what would you say to me?

I got this from [livejournal.com profile] wolven so i'm gonna include his threat here as well:

Copy and paste this to your journal, so I may comment on yours as well.. Be a good sport and play along... or the owls WILL hunt you.
raoin: (epicness)
borrowed from: http://www.olsouthrecipes.com/cajun/baisse.html
Serves approx. 6-8

Sauce Ingredients:
* 1/2 medium onion, chopped
* 2 cloves garlic, crushed
* 2 tbsp. olive oil
* 4 tbsp. butter
* 2 stalk celery (each roughly a foot long?), chopped
* 6 small carrots (each about hand-length), chopped
* 1 bunch green onions, chopped
* One 10-oz. can diced tomatoes with chili peppers
* One 16-oz. can whole tomatoes, chopped
* 1 tbsp. tomato paste
* 3-1/3 cup water
* 2 tsp. salt
* Freshly ground black pepper (to taste)
* 2 tsp. each of oregano, basil and thyme
* 4 bay leaves
* 1 jalepeno, discard seeds, chopped fine
* 3 hot finger peppers, discard seeds, chopped fine
* Cooked rice (approx 2 cups (pre-cooking) is enough to feed six people.)

Sauce Directions:
1. In large pot, Saute onion and garlic in oil and butter over medium heat for five minutes; do not brown.
2. Add celery, carrot and green onions. Cook covered 5 minutes over low heat.
3. Add remaining ingredients. Simmer partially covered 2 hours, stirring occasionally.
4. Discard bay leaves before adding seafood.

Seafood Ingredients:
* 1 lb. shellfish (crawfish, shrimp, oysters and/or crab)
* 1 lb. catfish or other firm white fish (check for bones, chop to size of shrimp)
* 2 tbsp. flour or potato starch (enough to coat seafood)
* 1 tsp. garlic, chopped
* 2 tbsp. olive oil
* 4 tbsp. butter
* 1 cup white wine
* Green onions, chopped
* Parsley

Seafood Directions:
1. Dust seafood with flour.
2. In a large frying pan, saute garlic in oil and butter over medium heat for 1 minute. Do not brown.
3. Add all seafood. Saute over medium-high heat until seafood is golden.
4. Add wine, stir, cook 1 minute or until mix seems to thicken.
5. Add the sauce which was previously prepared. Cover. Cook 3-4 minutes over low heat. This will thicken considerably.
6. Serve in large bowls with rice and sprinkled with green onions and parsley.

i added a lot more in the way of heat to my version (hence the added peppers).
causing the delightful dichotomy between OMG HOT! and OMG DELICIOUS!
Ours ended up being served with shredded sharp cheddar cheese. to cut the heat.
although it was VERY good without the cheese.
i only used catfish and shrimp. i'd love to take the time to try adding bunches of different seafoods.
the leftovers are sure to be divine.

this also makes the whole house smell awesome.
mouth-salivating awesome.
i'll be doing this again soon.
next time with cornbread... yes... i think i could be encouraged to like cornbread for the sake of this dish.
or perhaps big fluffy buttery heaven rolls.
Buchty? (not the Slovakian variety filled with cream cheese but the butter-dinner rolls)
raoin: (i want to believe)
Narrow, Honest is the Dawn

Keep laying that brick and mortar lover;
You’re so consumed with your failures
I want to let you succeed at something,
Even if it’s just blocking me out.

In the quelling darkness of our room
In the warm togetherness of the early morning
Before the sun has knifed its way into the sky
With all our mazy corners hidden
Your tender skin along mine is all I can feel.
In the soft shifting of breath in your chest
I hear only the assurances that we are whole.
All the words and walls have been put away.
To share a blanket is to share the soul.
And my goodbye kisses are all you desire from me -
Assurances that I shall return at sunset,
Bringing with me all the good and needful things of life
Bringing home to you my self, desiring only you.

Awake, if I could soften your hard eyes
when I return; if I could build windows into your walls
I would give you more than the moon
More than the food my hours earn.

In the Oven

Nov. 2nd, 2010 01:33 pm
raoin: (little me)
In the Oven

I suspect,
yes, suspect is a good word,
as I push the dates around on the calendar,
eye-balling them, daring them to differ with me.
A staring match with a calendar is a loosing proposition;
may as well bite my lip now and declare defeat.
I let my finger slide down the page in surrender.
I can feed myself a line of bullshit
but time, and its passage, could care less how I feel.

It’s a hunch;
like those furtive notes passed with boxes, requesting check marks:
Do you ask because you know or do you know because you ask?
Sure as rain and spring yield bud and seed,
some things are true before you know them
and will be true no matter when you know them.
But some things, like a pie, aren’t really pie until they’re done.
Before that its all parts of a whole, pieces juxtaposed but not united;
not yet imbued with the suchness of themselves.

I can page forward through the calendar,
but I wont find any answers there, just more indifferent time.
A day is just a placeholder for something bigger,
even if it’s the day I’m on right now.

I can make pie after pie,
but I cannot resurrect fresh cherries from the cooked whole.
Its not that I’m cooked or uncooked,
its that I may be cooking.

in point of fact, i am not.
i waited to post this until i knew for sure.
raoin: (water snakes)
tell me, darling, is there still a spark?
or only lonely ashes of the flames we knew?
should i go on whistling in the dark, serenade in blue?

- Serenade in Blue, (1942) Harry Warren and Mack Gordon
(made popular by Glenn Miller & His Orchestra featuring vocalist Ray Eberle with backing vocals by The Modernaires)

Become a Sigh

she sighs and i think perhaps
today is the day

i have contented myself as best i can
i have 'made do' as they say
with television and books and the gossip of friends
emotion and passion and the intimate touch of another
all by proxy
an echo of the real thing

i can touch myself
and imagine that you are touching me
i can be vivid and graphic
but it will always fall achingly short

in my own head all things may be perfect
detailed jewels; intricate patterns of actions
and perhaps that is the failing of my own fantasy
i cannot believe myself

it is the flaws which make the truth more real
the imperfections; the mistakes
they lend credence that reality surrounds my senses

she sighs and looks at me with soft eyes
and i remind myself that she is a reflection
of a reflection, of a reflection
all burning whirring digital transmittal
and faulty sluggish organics
a copy

through one lens, once recorded
paired down to frame rates and pixels
bit codes
forced through void-cold satellites, miles of wires, and endless splicing

the gentle tug of a smile creeping onto her face
at 28 frames per second
and reflecting through the lenses of my eyes
while my optic nerves chitter and jibe to my brain
in the strange language that only synapses speak

i gaze longingly all the same
and find myself bitter all over again
as the tips of my fingers brush the impassively smooth screen
to say nothing of the sonic imperfections inflicted upon me
by ears and equipment that will always
be a subpar offering of fading feedback and static

she is shyly smiling at me and i return her smile
i sigh and ask after her activities, her family, her plans
i would rather ask if the stars glitter to her the same way
does the air smell salty or tangy or smoggy
but i would never get any satisfying answers
and i cannot begin to voice how i wonder
if i were, where she is, would it be the same
or would that too, for its observation, and all my trouble
be changed so radically that i could not recognize my dream within it

she sighs again
we are silent
and the image degrades


Oct. 1st, 2010 03:50 pm
raoin: (on the rail)
the distant but grinding crash of a wave on a beach

the skurl and scar of chisel against wood

beginnings are so easy:
you take the edge between both hands,
you hope that by the time you come to the end,
that you got your line straight.

examine these ragged ends,
these loose fibers and filaments:
they form an alien landscape
hills and valleys; a distant horizon.

is that not, more or less, half?
and gently, so gently, i pull again.

a second's sound bite of a rocket launching from canaveral

the deep churning of ancient engines through water

destruction and hope -
half, fourth, eighth, sixteenth.
sooner or later i'll have confetti.
what will i celebrate?
each moment, each action is shorter than the last.

a thirty-second and now the whole is smaller than the palm of my hand.
what once was larger than my own head,
at sixty-fourths is too thick to go all at once.

rending is not always such an exact business.
i guess that these are more or less rectangles -
along the line of best fit all things may be made more exact.

i have destroyed a page,
i may yet destroy the world.

hey look, new poetry.
this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.


Oct. 1st, 2010 03:46 pm
raoin: (on the rail)
you are a dozen rich lines of ink on the page
and i think, half-heartedly, disparagingly,
that i will never finish.

in the thickness, the lines between such things,
i find myself reduced to a haiku
and none the richer for my condensation.

who wants to fold a saga of autumns
into the stark movements of the new Rome.

i seem to be of this aim.
two lines away and i find myself
with nothing to say.

my y's are right rich loopholes;
handholds of prophecy.

so seldom would you have to reach out;
bridge the drift between letters -
only one reason
among many.

smell this ink.
it is the product of this time:
disposable, disreputable; indispensable.
common and by its commonness
if not loved, or otherwise held in high regard,

this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.

Untitled 3

Oct. 1st, 2010 03:39 pm
raoin: (on the rail)
Untitled 3
If i had a gun,
with sixty silver wishes,
i would spend them all on this.
the certainty would deafen the world.

we would all know that secret.

this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.
raoin: (on the rail)
Heavy in My Hands
torn between the dailiness of living
and the mantra which says life is adventure and action -
small reptitive actions.
are they really any action at all?
are they change, like magma creeping up through fissures?

i wanted to be and do so many things
but life was a stone in my hands:
a stone in my hands and i could not skip it across the lake.
one chance to see how far my stone would go
and i could not.

this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.


Oct. 1st, 2010 03:27 pm
raoin: (on the rail)
my toes part the grass
the dew and grit
and the cool slickness
the tickling of bending blades against my arches and ankels
the steady thrum of cicadas and crickets


noise against my ear drums, drowning,
my ears ring with the rush of the blood in my veins,
the pounding rythm of my stride,
the overarching crash and rasp
of lung and heart.

i reach the stream.
i feel the pull and suck of mud,
thick and oozing between my toes,
and i step into the water and feel my feet go numb with cold
the water acting like a cool silver sock.

i wade in further, up to my knees
and splash through to the other side.

down by the river where its warm and green
down by the cool cool river
i would have been a pair of ragged claws;
i would have been slender legs slung deep in mud;
i would have been a slick and leathery pipe organ.

in the joy and noise and tumult of a summer night

this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.

Untitled 2

Oct. 1st, 2010 03:19 pm
raoin: (on the rail)
Untitled 2
At the ragged edged of this page

i think that's us

why would i want to go back

everything since those first months
has been a culmination of this
a culmination of wishing to stay, asking to go,
and taking without giving.
why then do i yearn for so short a period of time.

court me, damn it,
i just want to believe
that you still think i'm worth striving for.

no longer a lover
you offer me no petals, no grace
you do not seek to impress me

with smooth hard eyes, i am a closed column of granite.
i am a solid foundation
upon which all else is built;
all else seen and heard and used.

and i wonder why -
no i do not wonder.

act like you've only known me a week
and you're hoping against hope
that i'll let you kiss me.

this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.

Bone Digger

Oct. 1st, 2010 03:13 pm
raoin: (on the rail)
Bone Digger
deep down
beneath the leaves and soil
through clay and rock
a muted kaleidoscope made of browns and grays and blacks

deep down
you know
beyond the roots
beyond where up means air
all things are pressure and time

grind against me

bury these moments in layers

you, with your pick and shovel
i'll fight you tooth and nail

this, and all the ones for October that follow, are parts of pages i resurrected recently.
stuff i scribbled but found no use for.
i'm putting it up in the hopes of reigniting a spark.
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